Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
