If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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