If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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