My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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