Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
