this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
