I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
