im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
