Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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