No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
