i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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