: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
