I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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