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I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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