if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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