Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
