I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
