Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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