Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
did i just pee glitter
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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