i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
we're so committed to being not committed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
