watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
