I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
