genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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