That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
