Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
