Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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