I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
