hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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