I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You were trust falling into bushes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
