Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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