Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
