R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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