What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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