youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
