Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
being pregnant is like rehab
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
