I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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