Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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