I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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