If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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