babies were throwing up all over the place
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
