I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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