i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
