Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
