I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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