You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
