I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
