The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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