I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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