i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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