I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
