Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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