Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
did you just send me my own nude
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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